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October 11, 2005

Easy Target: Brian Austin Green

I've got a question for the American Broadcasting Company.

What did America ever do to you? Did we piss you off in some way? Did we take a dump on your driveway? Did we sleep with your sister, then not call her? We must have done something pretty awful, because that's the only possible justification for your new sitcom, "Freddie".

No, you are not hallucinating - it's a Freddie Prinze Jr. "vehicle". You remember Freddie Prinze Jr., perhaps the only actor in the world who employs fewer facial expressions than Keanu Reeves? Only Andie MacDowell has fewer, but I'm pretty sure she's actually an animatronic robot, built from dismantled parts stolen from a (now defunct) Chucky Cheese in Trenton, NJ. But I don't have the energy to go after Prinze right now. Why bother, when the co-star of his sitcom is Brian Austin fucking Green!

briansucks.jpg

Honestly, when he put out that rap album, I just assumed I would never see him on TV again. At least not outside of a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun... or an episode of "Punk'd: Marginal Celebrity Edition". Green is marginal even by 90210 standards. Jason Priestly drives racecars, at least. Jennie Garth is on some WB sitcom. And Shannon Dougherty is a noted bitch, so at least she's got that going for her. For fuck's sake, Luke Perry probably isn't doing anything - couldn't they have dragged his ass away from whatever Olive Garden he's working at and put him on the show instead?

It's just not right that Brian Austin Green gets to be on TV again. It's like letting Hitler try out for American Idol. If I could channel Randy Jackson for a moment: "Yeah, Adolf, you did your thing, Dawg. BUT YOU KILLED 11 MILLION PEOPLE SO YOU DO NOT GET TO BE ON AMERICAN IDOL. FUCK OFF HITLER!"

Perhaps I am overstating my case?

Look, all I'm saying is this: the fact that a person was once on a TV show is not - in and of itself - a good reason to cast that person on another TV show. Especially if that person sucks. Like Brian Austin Green.

Posted by Joey at October 11, 2005 04:03 AM

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