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October 13, 2005

Bond goes Blonde

The last few months haven't gone so well for Jude Law.

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First, he was caught sleeping with his children's nanny. Not his finest moment... made much worse when the English tabloids got a hold of it. Not surprisingly, the whole nannysex thing damaged Jude's relationship with his fiancee - actress Sienna Miller. You may remember her from Fox's highly entertaining series Keen Eddie. Well... you might have remembered her from that series if Fox hadn't dumped it after seven episodes to make way for some piece of shit show about bored teenagers in Orange County (which got cancelled after a few episodes, I think).

However, in recent weeks, things had been looking up for the English actor. He had reportedly been patching things up with Miller, and was rumored to be the #1 prospect to take over the role of James Bond from Pierce Brosnan. Jude must have drooled over this opportunity. Once you've starred in a Bond film, you can bag any nanny, governess, au pair, or day care provider you choose. It's a pretty sweet gig.

But according to recent reports, Jude Law didn't land the Bond job. Instead, it went to Law's countryman and good friend Daniel Craig. To make things worse, Law recently discovered that his fiancee had been cheating on him with a handsome blonde Englishman. And who was that handsome blonde englishman? None other than Law's countryman and good friend Daniel Craig.

Now that's GOT to suck.

One day you're lined up to be the next 007 and engaged to a beautiful young actress. Next thing you know, your buddy gets the job, sneaks off with your hot fiance - and suddenly, you're just some dude who slept with his nanny. And she wasn't even a particularly hot nanny. Unlike the ones on Cinemax.

But enough about Jude Law - lets talk about this new Bond, Daniel Craig.

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Some internet people may get all worked up about the fact that this guy would be the first blonde Bond... but SCREW YOU INTERNET PEOPLE: I have a good feeling about this guy. Though I haven't actually seen him in any movies, Craig looks like he could kick my ass - and that's the standard by which I judge ALL Bond actors. Any actor who I could beat up should never be cast in the role. Over the course of the franchise, producers have placed far too much emphasis on making Bond suave and dapper. Yes, anyone who plays Bond must look good in a tuxedo. But he also has to look good killing a man with his bare hands. If an actor can do both at the same time, so much the better. My point is this: if you stick a prettyboy into Bond's tux, it just doesn't work. Like George Lazenby and Roger Moore, Jude Law is a prettyboy. He's more likely to be issued a License to Moisturize than a License to Kill. Sean Connery and (the massively underrated) Timothy Dalton were good looking fellas, but they had some rough edges. Those rough edges are essential - and they can't be added in post-production.

As for Pierce Brosnan, I thought he was too pretty for the role when he did his first Bond film (Goldeneye) in 1995. But as the actor aged over the last decade, I actually think Brosnan started to look a little rougher and more appropriate for the part. Apparently, the Bond producers disagreed, since they fired him for being too old. Typical.

Anyway... though it's too early to judge, I look forward to seeing Daniel Craig when he stars in the next Bond film, Casino Royale. Let's hope they don't fuck it up.

Note: Some, if not all, of my sources for this piece were either English tabloid websites or weird foreign newspapers (thanks Google News!) so it's entirely possible that nothing I wrote here is, you know, accurate. But I'm not too worried. The Hindustan Times hasn't failed me yet.

Posted by Joey at October 13, 2005 01:17 AM

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