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September 20, 2005

The MarthApprentice

Do you watch NBC's The Apprentice? If you do, take a look at this:


If any of you Apprentice fans have managed to stop staring at the shiny objects pictured above... nice going. I didn't think you had it in you.

Personally, I don't watch The Apprentice. I can't really say why... probably has something to do with the fact that I don't like Donald Trump. At all. Don't like looking at him, don't like listening to him. I don't know what the man smells like, but I'm pretty sure that if I had some futuristic TV that spewed out Trump-vapor every time the show came on... I wouldn't want any part of that either. Also I don't like Reality TV. So, I guess I can say why I don't watch The Apprentice. In fact, I just did.

But now that NBC is set to debut the all new Apprentice featuring Martha Stewart, my opinion of this popular Reality franchise may change. Well, it probably won't. All those things I said about Donald Trump - double them for Martha. Even so, there are some intriguing elements to the new show. For instance, everyone wants to know what Martha's catch phrase is going to be. Obviously, she can't use "You're Fired". Trump owns that little utterance, not only in english, but in 13 other languages as well. Ain't no one gonna be You're Firing anyone while Trump's lawyers walk the earth... not even Martha. For this reason, the jail-harded homemaker was forced to select her own signature phrase of dismissal, to be used at the end of each episode. Though the producers tried to keep it secret, I got some inside info and can now reveal Martha's new catch phrase to you:

"You're Cooked!"

How charming - a clever reference to Martha's well known prowess in the kitchen! Familiar, yet novel. Also, it draws attention to the other ways in which Martha's version of The Apprentice will be different from Donald's original version. In the Trumprentice, contestants - er, "candidates" - are sent out to do silly marketing tasks in order to demonstrate their worth. 55 minutes of whining and finger-pointing later, Trump sends someone packing. This loser then appears on one of NBC's late night talk shows, before disappearing forever... God willing.

In the MarthApprentice, things work pretty much the same as in the original... but there's a twist. Of course there is! A Reality TV program without a twist is like a good television program without the things people enjoyed about television programs before most television programs got replaced by a steaming pile of Reality shit. Good luck parsing that sentence, BTW.

Anyway, are you ready for the twist? It's a doozy! Here it is:

When Martha tells a candidate "You're Cooked", it turns out she isn't joking. In each episode of her show, contestants must find unique and delightful ways of transforming the previous episode's loser into a delicious meal that Martha gets to enjoy in front of the loser's friends and family. These unlucky bastards get broiled, stir-fried, smoked, par-boiled... all in preparation for a "Feast of Decision", where Martha devours one candidate while deciding the fate of those who remain. It's sort of Iron Chef meets Silence of the Lambs.

Though some critics may be shocked to see actual murder and cannibalism on prime-time TV, audiences are sure to watch in record numbers, perhaps even exceeding the high ratings of the original Apprentice. What else are they gonna do... read a book?

Posted by Joey at September 20, 2005 03:51 AM


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