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September 12, 2005

Steven Seagal IS Cock Puncher

And you thought Steven Seagal was dead. Or maybe you just hoped he was. Well, he's not! Not only is he very much alive, but he is poised on the brink of a major career resurgence.

Seagal, the star of such 3 word titled films as Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, and Out for Justice, has just completed work on The Untitled Onion Movie, where he took on the role of a lifetime: the role of Cock Puncher. Though the film has not yet completed post production, preview audiences have raved about the depth and sensitivity Seagal brought to his portrayal of Cock Puncher. In fact, there is so much buzz surrounding his performance, Seagal has already been attached to a number of major upcoming projects. According to Variety, he has already been signed to star in Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards, where he will play Crotch Kicker: a disgraced soldier who redeems himself by dismembering people in a horrifically gruesome fashion. And by kicking them in the crotch. Also, Steven Spielberg has cast Seagal alongside Harrison Ford in the long-awaited Indiana Jones 4, where he will play the film's villain, Sack Crusher. He is even rumored to have made a cameo appearance in Woody Allen's newest film Match Point, playing Penis Smacker #2. Penis Smacker #1 is played - brilliantly - by Meryl Streep.

But the good news doesn't stop there for Seagal fans. Despite his busy filming schedule, Steve found the time to get back to the studio where he is currently recording a new album! Hardcore fans may remember Seagal's previous masterwork, Songs from the Crystal Cave - a stunning collection of blues rock and (surprisingly) reggae. If you don't own it already, here's a sweet dancehall burner from that album: strut.mp3 (4.3 MB)


Seagal's new album, entitled "Songs from that Time I Kicked You in the Nuts", will be released next month on Bruised Testicles Records.

Posted by Joey at September 12, 2005 02:46 AM


This is the best article I have ever seen, I have been laughing my arse off all day.

Posted by: Scrotum Smasher at January 19, 2007 12:11 AM

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