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September 30, 2005

PSA: Rusty Nail

Today I stepped on a rusty nail. It sucked.

Despite the constant OBSESSIVE reminders by Bob Villa, I had not had my tetanus booster, so I went to the doctor. The doctor asked me why I was there, so I told him I had stepped on a rusty nail. Then the doctor says "You know, the problem with stepping on a rusty nail is..." and proceeded to describe various aspects of stepping on a nail that are bad.

While I appreciated the doctor's advice, I think he may have misheard me. See, if I had walked into the doctor's office and said "So, doc, I was considering stepping on a rusty nail. What do you think?" THEN I think his lecture would have been quite appropriate. However, I was already with him on the whole "I shouldn't perforate myself on sharp, bacteria-laden bits of metal" thing. I didn't need Dr. Obvious to get me up to speed on that one. I was more interested in learning about how I could prevent my foot from rotting and falling off. Thus far, this has been accomplished through the use of strong anti-biotics. Thanks for asking.

So anyway, for all you kids out there thinking about stepping on a rusty nail: DON'T DO IT! Make sure that any nails you step on have been medically sterilized or whatever.

And remember, drinking a rusty nail is always better than stepping on one.


Posted by Joey at 01:59 AM | Comments (2)

September 28, 2005

6 Reasons Why Billy Ocean is Better than Lionel Richie

1. Billy Ocean was born "Leslie Charles". This name was weak and effeminate, so he decided to perform under the name Billy Ocean. That name is smooth and delightful. Lionel Richie was born "Lionel Brockman Richie, Jr." This name was weak and effeminate, so he decided to perform under the name Lionel Richie. Real creative, jackass.

2. Andre 3000, the more flamboyant member of hip hop duo Outkast, is a huge fan of Billy Ocean. In fact, Andre often refers to himself as Billy Ocean - it's sort of an alter-ego for him. Want to guess who named his alter-ego after Lionel Richie?

Adolf Hitler.

3. In his 1983 hit "All Night Long (All Night)", Richie delivers his lead vocal in a preposterous fake Caribbean accent. What the hell was that about? The man was born in Alabama for fuck's sake! Billy Ocean was actually born in Trinidad, so he would be perfectly justified if he occasionally lapsed into a Caribbean accent. But he doesn't... not even on his biggest hit, 1984's "Caribbean Queen". Why? Because Billy O. doesn't need to sing in some wacky accent to be freaking AWESOME. Too bad we can't say the same for Lionel R.

4. Have you seen Billy Ocean's daughter, Cherie Charles?


Beautiful and talented! Just like her old man. Have you seen Lionel Richie's daughter, Nicole Richie?


Beautiful? Not so much. And the girl only has one talent: Standing next to Paris Hilton long enough to make that skank look attractive by comparison. And Nicole couldn't even hold on to that gig. Pathetic.

5. Take a look at these images of Billy Ocean:


Billy was smooth then, and he's pretty smooth now! Now, take a look at Lionel - first an older image, then a more recent one.


Dork then, dork now. Although, I'll give Lionel credit for being remarkably well preserved after all these years. I guess all those years of SUCKING CRAP really agreed with him.

6. It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the Ocean. NOT the motion of the Richie. That doesn't even mean anything.

Posted by Joey at 11:01 PM | Comments (3)

September 27, 2005

Joey goes Digital, part 2

A few days ago I got DirecTV installed at my place... and I said I was going to keep a DirecTV diary to relate my TV watching experiences. As you may have noticed, no such diary has materialized. In fact, nothing has appeared on this site since I got my DirecTV (with its 4000 channels of digital goodness).

Well, that was pretty predictable, wasn't it? See, there was something I didn't consider when I promised to do the diary. At the time, I didn't realize that in order to post on this site, I would have to actually stop watching DirecTV long enough to sit down at the computer and write something. Clearly, that wasn't going to happen.

Here's the problem: Back with my old cable TV system, there were only 50 channels. So I would turn on the TV, and it would take me about 5-10 minutes to flip through all the channels and see that there was nothing on worth watching. Then I would go back to writing angry rants on the internet... or downloading porn. Whichever. But now that I have 7000 channels, by the time I'm done flipping through all of them, an hour has gone by (at least), and there's a good chance that half the channels I'd already checked have something new on. So I have to check them all over again. Some might call this a "vicious circle", but I prefer to think of it as "an optimal excuse for not having a girlfriend". The point is, since the satellite got installed, I've scarcely left the warm embrace of my 100% digital signal. And if I wasn't going to leave the TV to eat or bathe or urinate into something more appropriate than an empty coke can, I sure as hell wasn't going to leave just so I could update some stupid website.

The good news is that I seem to have developed a tolerance over the last 48 hours. I can now drag myself away from the TV for brief periods... just long enough for me to post on this site... assuming I can get my hands to stop shaking while I type. Withdrawl's a bitch. Anyway, I'm hoping my tolerance increases over the next few days so that I can resume a regular posting schedule... at least until October 5th. That's when the NHL season starts, and my Center Ice package kicks in. Wouldn't count on hearing much from me after that.

Posted by Joey at 02:22 AM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2005

Joey goes Digital

So... guess who just got set up with DirecTV?

Here's a hint:


It's ME!!!

That's right: I, Joey Headset, now have access to 3000 channels of pure digital goodness. But it didn't come easy. I had to knock down trees to make this happen. When I say, "I had to knock down trees", I don't mean "I had to hire some tree guy to come to my house and cut down some trees for me". No... I was out there with an axe, choppin' and shit. If you will forgive me the obscure video game reference, I was an "Ax Battler". Although I think Ax Battler used a sword... it was the dwarf who actually swung the axe.

Anyway, I plan to keep a DirecTV diary on this site for the next few days. This will not only allow me to share my joyous televisual experiences as they happen, but also to demonstrate - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I have absolutely no fucking life, whatsoever.

I'll be fun. Really.

Posted by Joey at 01:57 AM | Comments (0)

September 20, 2005

The MarthApprentice

Do you watch NBC's The Apprentice? If you do, take a look at this:


If any of you Apprentice fans have managed to stop staring at the shiny objects pictured above... nice going. I didn't think you had it in you.

Personally, I don't watch The Apprentice. I can't really say why... probably has something to do with the fact that I don't like Donald Trump. At all. Don't like looking at him, don't like listening to him. I don't know what the man smells like, but I'm pretty sure that if I had some futuristic TV that spewed out Trump-vapor every time the show came on... I wouldn't want any part of that either. Also I don't like Reality TV. So, I guess I can say why I don't watch The Apprentice. In fact, I just did.

But now that NBC is set to debut the all new Apprentice featuring Martha Stewart, my opinion of this popular Reality franchise may change. Well, it probably won't. All those things I said about Donald Trump - double them for Martha. Even so, there are some intriguing elements to the new show. For instance, everyone wants to know what Martha's catch phrase is going to be. Obviously, she can't use "You're Fired". Trump owns that little utterance, not only in english, but in 13 other languages as well. Ain't no one gonna be You're Firing anyone while Trump's lawyers walk the earth... not even Martha. For this reason, the jail-harded homemaker was forced to select her own signature phrase of dismissal, to be used at the end of each episode. Though the producers tried to keep it secret, I got some inside info and can now reveal Martha's new catch phrase to you:

"You're Cooked!"

How charming - a clever reference to Martha's well known prowess in the kitchen! Familiar, yet novel. Also, it draws attention to the other ways in which Martha's version of The Apprentice will be different from Donald's original version. In the Trumprentice, contestants - er, "candidates" - are sent out to do silly marketing tasks in order to demonstrate their worth. 55 minutes of whining and finger-pointing later, Trump sends someone packing. This loser then appears on one of NBC's late night talk shows, before disappearing forever... God willing.

In the MarthApprentice, things work pretty much the same as in the original... but there's a twist. Of course there is! A Reality TV program without a twist is like a good television program without the things people enjoyed about television programs before most television programs got replaced by a steaming pile of Reality shit. Good luck parsing that sentence, BTW.

Anyway, are you ready for the twist? It's a doozy! Here it is:

When Martha tells a candidate "You're Cooked", it turns out she isn't joking. In each episode of her show, contestants must find unique and delightful ways of transforming the previous episode's loser into a delicious meal that Martha gets to enjoy in front of the loser's friends and family. These unlucky bastards get broiled, stir-fried, smoked, par-boiled... all in preparation for a "Feast of Decision", where Martha devours one candidate while deciding the fate of those who remain. It's sort of Iron Chef meets Silence of the Lambs.

Though some critics may be shocked to see actual murder and cannibalism on prime-time TV, audiences are sure to watch in record numbers, perhaps even exceeding the high ratings of the original Apprentice. What else are they gonna do... read a book?

Posted by Joey at 03:51 AM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2005

Steven Seagal IS Cock Puncher

And you thought Steven Seagal was dead. Or maybe you just hoped he was. Well, he's not! Not only is he very much alive, but he is poised on the brink of a major career resurgence.

Seagal, the star of such 3 word titled films as Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, and Out for Justice, has just completed work on The Untitled Onion Movie, where he took on the role of a lifetime: the role of Cock Puncher. Though the film has not yet completed post production, preview audiences have raved about the depth and sensitivity Seagal brought to his portrayal of Cock Puncher. In fact, there is so much buzz surrounding his performance, Seagal has already been attached to a number of major upcoming projects. According to Variety, he has already been signed to star in Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards, where he will play Crotch Kicker: a disgraced soldier who redeems himself by dismembering people in a horrifically gruesome fashion. And by kicking them in the crotch. Also, Steven Spielberg has cast Seagal alongside Harrison Ford in the long-awaited Indiana Jones 4, where he will play the film's villain, Sack Crusher. He is even rumored to have made a cameo appearance in Woody Allen's newest film Match Point, playing Penis Smacker #2. Penis Smacker #1 is played - brilliantly - by Meryl Streep.

But the good news doesn't stop there for Seagal fans. Despite his busy filming schedule, Steve found the time to get back to the studio where he is currently recording a new album! Hardcore fans may remember Seagal's previous masterwork, Songs from the Crystal Cave - a stunning collection of blues rock and (surprisingly) reggae. If you don't own it already, here's a sweet dancehall burner from that album: strut.mp3 (4.3 MB)


Seagal's new album, entitled "Songs from that Time I Kicked You in the Nuts", will be released next month on Bruised Testicles Records.

Posted by Joey at 02:46 AM | Comments (1)

September 08, 2005

iPod na-NO

Great. Just great.

Now when I tell someone they can take their mp3 collection and shove it up their ass, they can go and do it. Literally.


Look, I'm all for iPods. Anything that drowns out the the sound of other human beings while I'm out in public places is a good thing. But can someone please tell me what I can do with an iPod nano that I couldn't already do with an iPod mini? You remember the mini - it was pretty small, right? Or was the much touted smallness of that device nothing but a big fat lie? When Apple named it the "mini" were they just fucking with us? Apparently they were... since the mini was eliminated from Apple's product line to make way for the nano.

And let's not forget about the iPod shuffle. It's smaller than a pack of gum! I know for a fact that packs of gum are pretty small.

You ever heard someone complain that a pack of gum is "just too big" and "needs to be made smaller"? I haven't. Maybe that explains why the Wrigley Corporation hasn't come out with "Doublemint nano" or "nanoMint Double".


Posted by Joey at 02:15 AM | Comments (0)

September 03, 2005

Fun Facts: Julius Caesar

Since HBO recently debuted their new original series, Rome, it's important that we all bone up on our ancient Roman history. Because, along with all that "gritty" violence and full frontal nudity, this series also contains - you know - historical content and crap.

Now, most people are already familiar with one character from the series: Julius Caesar, the infamous Roman general and dictator (played by Irish actor Ciaran Hinds). But few people know how the man got his name. Historians agree that Caesar was named by his mother, Aurelia, in honor of her favorite meal: the Caesar Salad. Perhaps knowing that he had been named after the so called "king of salads" was what precipitated his unquenchable thirst for power! Or maybe he was just born an asshole.

Regarding Caesar's first name, Julius, there is some disagreement among classicists. Some believe that this name was selected in honor of Caesar's father, who was also named Julius. However, recent scholarship suggests that the name was actually inspired by Aurelia's favorite Roman beverage stand, Orange Julius.

Interestingly, Caesar continued this naming tradition with his own progeny. His first child, Little Caesar, was named after the (revolting) pizza chain. However, Caesar's daughter, Pizza Hut, was not named after the (even more revolting) restaurant. Rather, she was named after a character from Caesar's favorite movie, Spaceballs. Of course, the character "Pizza the Hut" (voiced by Tony award winner Dom DeLuise), was named after the restaurant chain.


Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 01:02 AM | Comments (1)

Quote, Endquote: Keeping it PURPLE

"I started the Purple Movement. I was wearing purple everything; getting s**t custom made: I even had a purple chinchilla."

--Shiest Bub "The Emperor"
President & CEO, Purple City Productions

(Purple City is a rap group signed to Babygrande Records. Their music is OK, I guess. But really, it's hard to hate on a dude with a purple chinchilla.)

Posted by Joey at 12:11 AM | Comments (0)