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August 15, 2005

Paula Abdul beds skanky vocalist, retains job

See if you can complete this sentence, from a recent Associated Press wire piece:

"Attorneys Marcell McRae, a former federal prosecutor, and Ivy Kagan Bierman jointly handled the probe. The 3 1/2-month inquiry included interviews with 43 people and a review of material provided by ____"

If you guessed "the Bush Administration", "Karl Rove's personal counsel", or "former Enron executives"... give yourself a star. A brown star. The color brown representing your total, complete ignorance.

No, the correct conclusion to this sentence was "Abdul and Clark". As in, American Idol judge Paula Abdul and former Idol contestant Corey Clark.

Back in May a shocking ABC Dateline expose (entitled "Fallen Idol") revealed shocking accusations of shockingly inappropriate sexual relations between these two. Clark, described by some as "a poor man's Kevin Federline", was quoted in the piece as follows:

"That night, as we were having sex, I kept flashing on her videos and thinking, 'Oh, my God! I'm doing it with Paula Abdul,' " he says. "But I kept my cool and I did my thing."

Of course, Corey Clark is not alone. Many of us think about Paula Abdul's videos while having sex. With Paula Abdul. Whether, during the sexual act, we think of Paula herself or of her defunct animated sidekick MC Skat Kat hardly matters.

The point is, FOX TV, makers of such controversial programming as "When Animals Attack" and "When Right Wing Assholes Attack" (more commonly known as The O'Reilly Factor) actually hired an independent counsel to investigate Clark's accusations. FOX's commitment to preserving the integrity of American Idol is certainly impressive. Lest we forget, this is the same competition that has produced superstars such as:

Kelly Clarkson
That white dude with the big fro
The big fat R&B guy Conan makes fun of
That skinnier R&B chick who won it, then disappeared
Some dull blonde country singer who pimps chocolate bars

Clearly FOX can't allow some horny, aging pop star to subvert the results of such an important cultural institution. Fortunately, after nearly four months of investigation, the independent counsel concluded that Clark's sex accusations could not be proven. Therefore, Abdul will keep her job. Such as it is.

However, I wonder if FOX's independent counsel had enough authority to investigate this matter to the fullest extent. Personally, I think that this job was far better suited to the same group that watchdogs professional sports: The US Senate. If Jose Canseco injecting human growth hormone into his ass is the business of Congress, shouldn't we depend on them to maintain the integrity of a TV singing contest? Until I turn on CSPAN and see Paula Abdul sitting on Capital Hill, being grilled by Rick Santorum and Joe Lieberman, I don't think I can ever look at Idol the same way again.

Posted by Joey at August 15, 2005 03:39 AM


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