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August 11, 2005

Officer Shaq Protects the Children

Do you like to solicit teenage girls for sex on the internet?

Of course you do. Pervert.

But the next time you're chatting up some sweet young thing in a chatroom, WATCH OUT. What you think is a horny thirteen year old might actually be NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal!

Shaq just completed an intensive training session with Operation Blue Ridge Thunder, an elite Internet Crime Unit. The mission of OBRT: "To safeguard our children from Internet crime by 'weaving a seamless web of protection' around them". This unit specializes in online sting operations, and no one hates internet predators more than Big Diesel.


Having trained to be a police officer back in his days as a Los Angeles Laker, online stings may prove to be the ideal law enforcement opportunity for the Miami Heat center. Shaq's hectic training schedule (along with occasional studio sessions with the Fu-Schnickens) leave little time for traditional police activities. However, Shaq can troll the net for would-be child molesters any time day or night: after practice, during halftime, at the free-throw line (might as well do something useful while he's there). Logging into various instant messenger services and chatrooms, Shaq will pose as a young girl, using screen names such as HeatGrrl13, BigDunk_Ch1ca, or KobeSUX_33.

Once he successfully lures in an internet sleazebag (ie. YOU), what's the next step? He could report you to the proper authorities. Or, he could come to your house and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE. During his training with Blue Ridge Thunder, O'Neal didn't merely learn to tool around the internet - he also received advanced weapons training for pistols and shotguns. This training not only increases Shaq's effectiveness as a law enforcement officer, but also promises to relieve him of his enduring shame: the shame of being among the last NBA players who haven't at least attempted to shoot somebody.

Though Shaquille O'Neal is certain to be a valuable asset to OBRT's sting operations, he may prove to be a less-than-effective undercover operative. When a middle aged net-stalker shows up at a shopping mall to get with the hot 15 year-old he met on AOL Teen Chat, he may get suspicious when his "girl" turns out to be a 7-foot-1, 325 pound man wearing a halter top. And a blond wig.

Even so, the internet is that much safer now that Shaq Daddy is online looking after The Children. Within a few years, dirty old men may have to go back to soliciting underage sex the old fashioned way: by hanging around high school parking lots and joining rock bands.

How quaint.

Posted by Joey at August 11, 2005 04:10 AM


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