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August 26, 2005

Letter to Pat Robertson

Dear Pat,

Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call for the assassination of people you don't like. I do it all the time! Hell, if I had a dollar for every time I screamed "SOMEBODY KILL THIS JACKASS" at the TV set, I'd have... exactly $163. And that's just from watching The 700 Club.

But here's the difference between you and me, Pat: When I call for the death of some random person, it's usually in the privacy of my own home. For me it's a harmless way to let off steam, because no one ever listens to me. Sure, I'll sometimes call for assassinations in public places: shopping malls, hair salons... occasionally the Olive Garden. But even in these locations, people tend to ignore me. Or they pretend to. Sometimes I'm asked to leave. The point is, when I cry out for the death of public figures, I have little reason to believe anyone will act on my proposal. I don't have a TV show, Pat. You do. Your show, The 700 Club, is syndicated into millions of homes. All I've got is this shitty web page. See the difference?

When you appear on the 700 Club and suggest that someone needs to be rubbed out, there's a fair number of crazy-ass fuckers in your viewing audience who are just crazy-ass enough to do something about it. And do your viewers have guns? Oh my, yes. So, Pat, when you call for assassinations - as you did the other day for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - it is sort of a big deal. Do you seriously not get that?

Now... to be clear, I don't give a damn what happens to the president of Venezuela. Maybe the guy deserves to get his head blown off by some CIA wet team. What do I know. Like most Americans, I probably couldn't even find Venezuela on a map. Unless the map was clearly labeled... which I suppose most maps are, these days. I guess I could just scan the map until I see a country that has the word "Venezuela" written across it in big block letters. But that could take a while. Maybe if I used Google maps...

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Pat. But this is becoming a bit of a habit with you. You've publicly asked God to kill members of the Supreme Court. You suggested that someone needs to detonate a nuclear device inside the State Department's headquarters.

Dude, WTF?

Have you considered doing Yoga or maybe subscribing to NetFlix or something? I think you're in a bad place, man... perhaps you should take up a hobby. Or maybe a pet. Studies have shown that dog-owners are 43% less likely to call for the assassination of world leaders.

Think it over.

Joey Headset

Posted by Joey at August 26, 2005 02:59 AM


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