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August 17, 2005

Easy Target: Bravo TV

On an episode of Bravo's groundbreaking reality series, Being Bobby Brown, Bobby recounts an amusing incident in which he helped relieve his wife Whitney's constipation. Manually. In that moment, when Bobby describes the process of reaching into Whitney Houston's ass and pulling out chunks of impacted feces, one can't help but think of how this anecdote serves as an apt metaphor for the entire Bravo network. In this metaphor, Bobby represents Bravo's series development executives, Whitney (her ass, actually) represents popular culture. And those big wads of shit... those represent Bravo's entire programming schedule.


Let's go back in time for a moment. Back to 1980. Back when Paris Hilton was nothing but a glimmer in Kathy Hilton's eyes. A nasty, slutty, stupid-as-all-get-out glimmer. Ah yes, 1980: the year when Bravo emerged as a commercial-free arts orientated movie network. Must have been pretty sweet, back then - turn on your TV and see some foreign films or performing arts programming. Even though the network only broadcast 12 hours a day, it was 12 hours of quality. Or so I've been told... it's not like I actually watched Bravo in the 80's. I was prepubescent for much of the decade, and - at the time - was more interested in cartoons. So give me a fucking break.

The point is, Bravo wasn't always what they are now. And what they are now is basically a shite delivery system. The network's current slogan, "See What Happens" would be more accurate if it were changed to "You Fuckers Will Watch ANYTHING". Let's review some of Bravo's current/recent programming:

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: It's true, there's no problem in my life that can't be fixed with $300 worth of moisturizer.

Celebrity Poker Showdown: Because there isn't enough poker on TV already.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List: Bitch, you'd be lucky just to get on the waiting list for the D-List.

Manhunt, Boy Meets Boy, Gay Weddings: OK, Bravo. We get it. Gay people watch shite television too.

Battle of the Network Reality Stars: Kill me now.

Of course, Bravo isn't the worst offender when it comes to filling airtime with dull reality debacles and cheap regurgitations of pop culture. Vh1 retains that title (and will likely be the subject of a future Easy Target). However, when you consider that Bravo began as a sophisticated arts network, the network deserves special HATE for their spiraling descent into crap-gramming.

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Posted by Joey at August 17, 2005 02:22 AM

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